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How to get children to listen to parents without applying penalties

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How to get children to listen to parents without applying penalties

Educate is long-term and punishment only works in short -

to Punish children from him emotionally from his parents because "sow fear" in m

A week without tv, without mobile, no tablets, no video games... No nothing. The punishment as an educational strategy is outdated, and so y claim research is published in last few years and also experts in education, who opt for to apply it always in positive and, above all, by away from idea of prohibition and canons of past.

The goal is to get little ones accustomed to make a case to parents, and to do this, punishment is not best option. Much more optimal is to make m accustomed to listening to parents, and in that listener, administering, tips, after all, manage to suppress in m ir bad behaviors.

The reason that punishing will not work is that it has been understood that goal is to educate long-term and not only teach m to obey at a given time. That is to say, not to use punishment does not mean that children do what y feel like but precisely opposite.

So I explained to this newspaper psychologists Cecilia Martin and Marina Garcia - directors of Institute of psychology and personal development Psicode: " small it is necessary to put limits and rules because y are necessary for ir education and development. The boundaries give m security because, well, y grow up knowing how world works around m, y know what is expected of m and what standards must be respected. We must avoid sobreprotegerlos and pander to m. But it is not necessary to use punishment, we have or methods that are more positive and friendly that do not harm self-esteem of child and ir relationship with adult".

Because really, "what do we want as parents?", reflect. "Do we want our children to obey because I command or, on contrary, we want you to grow with freedom of thought and respect for ors, mselves and ir environment?".

The punishment as a technique to short-term, for child to obey and behave as y want ir parents, is effective, but what is of interest is to educate m, that is to say, "teach m to think and not to obey. If we use punishment, child will obey out of fear, not because y understand rule or because internalize. Punish do not make children more responsible, but more obedient for fear of punishment", y explain.

With teenagers, rules and limits must be very clear. The guys must know what y have to do and, above all, consequences of ir bad behavior: "If rules and ir consequences are clear, you do not have to go to last resort, that is punishment. Better to prevent and dialogue," says doctor of Psychology José Amador Delgado Montoto, author of My child does not study, does not help, does not obey. 25 rules to fix it (Ed. Pyramid). Young people have to know in advance not to make bed consequences will be; already established.

it Happens, also, that when punishment is used are make mistakes. If child has done something wrong on a Tuesday, is punished with no tv for weekend, get punishments that are disproportionate or are you angry with alluding to your person rar than your attitude: "you're very messy always, you can't be as well", instead of "today you've left room messy, and you know re's that pick it up every day."

"it is Always better to correct than to punish because punishment affects person, knowledge, while correction is made on behaviour and not child", points out Delgado. Anor of reasons why, currently, it rejects punishment is because can wear down trust between parent and child.

"The punishment generates defiance and aggressiveness in children and alienates him emotionally from his parents because it is hard to love someone who is afraid of him. As time passes, parents who use this method you will plant resentment and lack of trust in ir children," explain psychologists Martin and Marina.

it Also causes social difficulties: "children learn by imitation, so if we use punishment with m, this will be a model that will be used in ir relations with ors when something does not happen as y want, thus hampering ir social relations."

The psychologist Silvia Alava, director of Children's Area of Centre of Psychology Álava Reyes, appeals to two key concepts that are useful when it comes to education: reinforcement and extinction. "The goal is to strengn positive behaviors y are doing well and suppress negative," he explains.

The booster is to offer a positive activity to small when you have done something well. For example, has picked up ir toys without parents will say anything, and y applaud your conduct, because it is what you have to do: "re is No better booster for a child that care of parents," says Alava, author of books, we Want happy children and Want m to grow up happy.

But most of times we pay more attention when y do something wrong. For this reason, it is important to reinforce what y do well, and make m see that that is right thing and parents are thrilled. The extinction is to suppress or try to avoid children do things that are not pleasing to parents, and stop paying attention to m when y do. Instead of punishing, to put into practice today not you've earned it.

Because this is not to prohibit but to win things. "Starting today, re will be no punishment but that will be little who wins play with computer, or to be more minutes with tablet," says Alava. And so must communicate to parent ir children.

How do you win this children? Very easy: doing homework on time, going to bed without complaint, doing ir chores, etc, In short, complying with rules of house. "We must educate in a positive," he says. Therefore "instead of punishment" will say something like: "Today you've earned right to watch television or play with cell phone mom or dad".

this Is earn things because, according to Alava, it is a given that a child has right to play with mobile and, if you do not ir obligations, will punish without it. However, children have to know that, if y want to play with mobile, y will have to do ir homework and behave well, and thus earn right to such a thing. Of course, rules, boundaries and rights must always be appropriate and adapted to ir age. So also, argues Álava, you can use this educational method with children and adolescents.

For example: his seven year old son has picked up entire room when it has finished playing. Parents can say: "well, today you can play with tablet for an hour". In this way, "we are reinforcing behavior that does well (picking up ir room), internalizing word in order and instaurándola in ir daily routines. So it will be a behavior that y will learn and that will keep for future," extends province of Álava.

Anor critical issue is that even though children have ported fatal never deny m ir right to play. "When we say that today can not perform a particular activity, because y do not have cattle, re are that refer to things like mobile, tablet, computer or television, but never to ir right to play, as children are," concludes this psychologist.


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